This is, for me at least a very difficult subject. i often wonder were my motivations stem from and to be honest i suppose i should at least attempt to categorise and place my thoughts in place for anyone interested.
My wife firstly, she is the most important and beautiful thing in my life , i have spent 8 years with her now, much has altered ,as it does, our feelings change ,grow deeper and the way i love her now seems so apart from the initial heat of our first meetings and so more prominent .
Though i have no desire to bore any observer , i find myself confronted with a problem, a very serious one to be honest.
There is no denouncing that there is a part of me that could envisage having a child , even children ,with my wife. Bluntly she is the only person i have ever met that i could state such a notion...but..
I should touch on the reality of children ( and maybe my selfishness), let us step back from the glamour of being a parent and for all those already with children may agree(or not), our time becomes second to our child, i would, if finding myself a farther, want nothing more than to help my child grow, develop and learn, not only by my standards and guidance but also by their own actions(and be there to help if needed).
It is far from a part time occupation, once i had a child my life would play second fiddle to the well being and welfare of my daughter or son and that is exactly as it should be.
Now the problem, even at my age i am still a child, i am selfish and self absorbed, i want nothing more than to spend my time with the woman i love, i have no need for anything else, over time we have experienced so many colourful changes in circumstance and through all of these very eventful times there is nothing more than her.
I love the time i spend with my wife and unlike other people the more time i spend with her the more i wish to spend with her .
so after many years of hard work we have a wonderful home and i know that she is happy here, but the aspect of children arise.
My thoughts are pointed out briefly above in regards to the detrimental aspects of breeding and i have no desire to give my life and happiness to something such as a child (because , lets be honest, you can either raise a child or not, there is no half hearted method, you are after all dealing with a person that is completely in you hands).
Now my real issue(if you have tolerated me for so long) is that though all of my flaws and faults, I will never forgive being a poor husband, I married my wife because I love her , she has helped me so much from that point to realise what i can be and keeps me anchored when i become...difficult with others.
I know that she wants children, though it is easy for me to announce my feelings towards the endeavour, i feel that i am failing her as a husband and ultimately does this come to compromise?, her sacrifice to not harbour children for my agenda or my agreement to breed and bring a life into this world.
A final thought is that this is not simply a query of a difference of opinion within a relationship, but if we were to have a child a living entity, a person, feeling thinking, even if i were in a positive position where i wanted children , i wonder flippantly how i could guild another through life when I seem( as all people )to stumble through our daily existence.
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